FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

I hate little boys.

little boys, who are too immature to have a real relationship, and relize someone's worth.

little boys, who play with my emotions.

little fucking boys.

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.

its so funny that for an entire year I have held on to it.

my biggest regret. those two days that for the longest time I wish I could take back. Yet somehow over the course of 12 months I reconciled. I realize my choice wasnt the best. My morals weren't in place. I learned the most about myself that ever before in those nights. Being reduced to that level made me relaize where I didnt want to go again. And so, for a year I didnt, I held on to what made me feel safe, what kept me sober. What kept me away from inevitablility.

But a year to the week and I got right back in it.

and then I got it: Take risks:  if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise

I took my risk. I haven't regretted a choice I've made yet. Please dont make this number one. I know I can be a stupid girl but please dont make me think I was wrong. And if so...let me go gently, I dont feel like falling too hard.

And if all else fails. I feel ok. I've lived. I've learned. And I will continue to do so.

Im so tired of people.

I just need to run

away from here

and fast.

California here I come. Right back where I started from.

take me homeeeeeee.

This Train Was Bound For Glory..

turns out Im a hypocrite

and hypercritical of love

a train wreck of insecurities

and preconceptions

wrapped up in to one

I let my guard down

and it gets me everytime

//

I dont know what you're thinking

what I'm making you do

but when it comes down to it

I guess I'd choose her too

//

One Last time let me apoligize

for making you think this would work

let me apologize for you

you bastardly cowardly jerk

My life came crashing down this weekend.

and I just want to take it all back.

we were driving....there were firemen. they detoured us. I made a joke...something about hot firemen, while my mom said she hoped no one was hurt. We were going to Renton for a day, to shop together.

Flashforward to nine o clock when Linda Otruba calls our house and tells us that Seldon Hazelo died in a  car accident. The reason we were detoured. I feel lke the biggest bitch.

The boy who we used to tease with in middle school..he told me I was beautiful once, he jumped on me at the grocery store the other day to scare me. we gave eachother the shy hello in Parker Hall at lunch time when we would pass eachother.And I made a joke while he was dying.

Dont misconstrue this..it isnt about me. I feel like shit and what I did was wrong. Im not gonna play it off like I knew him better than I did. but heres the thought I get from this. We live in a very self centered atmosphere where things that get in our way are seen as horrible where they may be important to others. I made a joke.and I feel like the absolute worst.

And today. Peter tried to send me the death annoucement from the paper, his screen name reads about a brother a friend and a son lost. I asked him to take it down, he said they've been friends since second grade and not to tell him what to do. Its convenient how your relationship is more important with a person when they arent there to say otherwise anymore. Funny how you're closer when you've lost them.  Seldon Hazelo died yesterday. It isnt about anybody but him. Lets take a moment to remeber the dynamic boy that touched us all. And to remember our place in the world.